a big word.

It’s a big word for me.
I feel it everywhere.
Almost home.
Almost happy.
Almost changed.
Almost, but not quite.
Not yet.
Soon, maybe.
I’m hoping hard for that.”
― Joan Bauer

I'm bad at responding to texts, but when I do respond please expect 4-6 texts immediately after one another apologizing for forgetting to text back. I lash out when I'm feeling stressed or stagnant, and lately it's been both. I don't always say the right words at the right time. I am a perfectionist who very rarely meets her own standards of perfection. Sometimes I feel like I'm approaching life too slowly, too quietly, too timidly, like I'm not grabbing it by the horns or whatever it is that they say. I am the girl with too much to say but will get shy if there are too many eyes on her. I am forever picking at my nail beds. I will justify eating cookies for breakfast and I really do not get the right amount of sleep for a twenty-four year old girl in university. I will say things don't bother me when they do because I hate confrontation. I feel silly when I call myself a "writer" since all I do is write and re-write (and re-write) until I hate it and it never sees the light of day.

But I am getting there. I can feel myself heading in the right direction. I know there will come a day when I will remember to respond promptly, manage my stress better, and learn that perfection doesn't really exist. I will feel more comfortable with the words that come out of my lips. I will tell people when they hurt me instead of clamming up in fear of something ending. I will feel confident to pursue a life that is solely mine—not one constructed by a society that tells me I need to have this and that by a certain age bracket. I will feel settled in calling myself a writer because deep down, it's what I believe I am. I will naturally walk like a Queen, a la Charlize Theron.

I'm working to get to that point. I can see it. I'm getting there.


Soon, maybe.

(just don't expect me to stop eating cookies for breakfast anytime soon)

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