A few weeks ago I wrote about being a mess for She Did What She Wanted. Lately, I've been the perfect definition of that term to a T. I've been my normal messy self with my normal messy life, but there is this weight on my mind that is incredibly heavy and I'm now being forced to actually deal with it. With that weight that is pressing so firmly on my mind at all times, there is one big question:
How do you know when something is right?
When something is right, does it just click? Do you feel a sense of calm and peace? Does it come all at once or does it happen over time? Do you wake up one morning and just know? Are you supposed to be over thinking things that are right this much?
I asked the internet about it, as one does, and the internet said a few things:
When it makes you feel like yourself. When you don't have to put on a show. When it feels natural. When you know in your gut that it genuninely makes you happy. When it makes you feel like the universe conspired to make it happen.
I've been in a few situations where things weren't right. Things weren't clicking and I was trying to force it to happen, or I was just going with the flow for as long as I could, cause sometimes change is terrifying and listening to my own doubts. Square peg, round hole.
I've been debating on this potential life change for a few years. In June, it was a year since I graduated from school. It was always my intention to go back to school. Even after taking a big girl job, I always knew I was going back. Always. I told people I was, I already had my program picked out and ready to go. I wear the 'forever a student' badge with pride. I love the learning environment and the routine and the structure. As a person that did not care for high school, I flourished and grew in college. I learned how to love learning. So university seemed like the next step.
But that was 2014 and I could always say I was going to school next year. It always seemed far away. Until 2015 hit and then it became this year and all of a sudden I was doubting myself and the thing I've been so excited to attend. For some reason, the thought of me going to university puts a bit of a scare in me. It mostly stems from feeling inferior all throughout high school and never feeling like I was enough for university. Good enough, smart enough, etc. I don't know why I put it on this high pedestal. I don't know why I made myself so small, but I did, and the little bit of fear I had of university back when I was in high school is still lingering a bit today.
Is it fear of failure? Or a fear of change? Is it a fear of regret or FOMO? Is it a mixture of all of these things? Do I want to go into debt for this thing that doesn't guarantee anything at all? Am I going crazy? Do I want to spend more time in school? Will I regret this like crazy? Do I need a degree to feel accomplished?
I actually really enjoy my life - this post-school but maybe pre-school bliss has had its ups and downs. I've felt everything under the sun; from excitement to fear to disappointment to feeling lost and feeling okay again. This year as a grad has been incredibly fulfilling - both personally and professionally. Most importantly, I've done what I wanted when I wanted. I had one of the best years of my life, so why should that disappear when I go back to school?
Naturally, when I have moments (read: days) of self-doubt, I go to the people that know me inside and out: my female friends. I really take their opinions and thoughts to heart; I've learned more from them than I will ever learn in a school setting. In particular, my friend Sim has been on the Kelsey-going-to-University cheerleading team since the beginning. She's kinda the coolest gal ever (seriously - I'm in complete awe of her EVERYTHING) Most recently I've been going to her when I need a pep talk about this new change. Something she said really struck a chord with me: your brain is begging to be challenged. Which made me think:
I owe it to myself to be challenged.
I owe it to myself to try.
I owe it to myself to work hard.
I owe it to myself, even if I have no idea if it feels right or not.
(Also: it did feel right when I was walking through the campus, admiring the buildings and feeling a bit like Hermione..)
So I'm taking a leap of faith, because I can do this and I can succeed.
It's easier to tell if something is wrong. When things are right, I tend to be pretty cautious and skeptical... But really, most things are right if you come out of it a stronger and wiser person.
When it feels comfortable/natural/right. Gut feeling, I guess.
You feel safe and secure and content. It's just a feeling, I think.
And if it all goes up in smoke, c'est la vie. At least I won't have the weight of regret on my mind.
If I fail I'll get up and try again, like with everything else I've felt unsure about.
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