i was trying to sleep, but every time i tried i couldn't shut my mind off.
remember when you would get read to before bed? that was a nice pre-sleep, post brushing teeth/pyjama routine that definitely helped when i was 6 and wanted to know what happened to harry, ron, and hermione.
but when you're 22 and you have a lot of things to think about and a lot of feelings to feel and a lot of words that need to be written, your mind doesn't shut off that easily.
i kept replaying an earlier conversation i had that day over and over and over in my head. because when i get a text that says "tea date now", i never say no. my friends and i talk a lot over a few cups of tea. i don't exaggerate when i say a lot, either. i've spent a lot of time in cafés & kitchen tables in the last 11 months. probably too much, but who is here to judge? certainly not me.
over the last year, i spent a lot of time with a powerful, kind, and strong friend. she was, and continues to be, my rock and my therapist and my all-knowing teacher (which is funny, because she's going to be teaching the future youth.)
throughout the year, there were many times when she was hurt over and over again. many of those times it was by the same people, over and over again. usually, it was caused by people that weren't worthy of her and her love and her good heart, because if there is one thing i can spot it's a good heart. (and her heart is pure gold.)
i like to believe that people that are worthy of you don't hurt you over and over again.
i like to believe that people that are worthy have respect for you and are sensitive to your feelings.
i like to believe that people don't take advantage of the kind-hearted.
i like to believe that people are good even when they aren't being very good.
but even with all of this pain and heartache, she was resilient. she refused to let the things that brought her down hinder her for good. so when we spoke today, we talked a lot about worth and how sometimes you just don't realize that you aren't getting what you are worth, or what you need, or what you deserve.
you see, the thing about worth is that it's actually something you determine. and it's completely up to you. you call the shots on that. you can put your foot down. you can say if someone or something isn't enough. you can say if you need more brought to the table. you are more than what they think you are, you are more than what they think you deserve, you are more than what they think you are worth. you get to choose what you deserve.
it's knowing that yes, i am worth more than this. yes, i deserve better. yes, i am worthy of all the beautiful, blissful, bountiful, and bright days that are ahead. it's listening to that little voice in your head that is telling you "you are worthy of more than this" when you may not want to listen. it's screaming from the rooftops "i am enough!" and not giving a damn who hears, because you know that it's true. it's okay to demand what you deserve.
everything that you are is worthy, and the people that are worthy of you will love you for it.
so now when i talk to my friend/rock/therapist/teacher and she proclaims "i've met someone who shows love the same way i do!" and she's happy. and when she tells me that she has found someone that not only is worthy of her, but has found someone that is so wonderful that he also deserves someone incredible, like her, my heart swells up and i can't stop grinning.
because in all that pain she went through, over and over again, she realized it. she realized her worth, she realized that she deserved better, and she realized that she is enough.
my friend, the one worthy of love. the one that deserves the best. the one that is enough, just as she is.
my friend, the one that is happy. well, that just makes me even happier.
and that's why i couldn't sleep.
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