kelsey on: being okay


"I have been told, sometimes, the most healing thing to do is remind ourselves over and over and over: “Other people feel this too.” - Andrea Gibson


I've been pretty quiet here lately. After a few weeks of madness between life + school, I took a step back and really reflected on life and what I want out of it. So many things were happening all at once, so I took a weekend to just be; focus on myself, be by myself, and think about everything going on. I actually hardly used the internet during this period (which is not only shocking, but crazy for a gal like me!). I just needed a break. I read a lot of books, watched a lot of comforting television, and wrote a lot. I haven't written properly in quite some time, and it felt good to just let it all out. But there were bad days during that period. There were days I didn't want to get out of bed, and I didn't. There were days when I didn't feel interested in doing anything, and there were days when I just felt like I was in auto-pilot or in a walking coma. But I chose to get out of bed, chose to be a living person, and I was choosing to move forward, and that in of itself was an accomplishment.

I feel like I've always been an open book - both in person and online. This little blog has been a diary for me; a place for me to pour the thoughts that come out of the cracks in my soul. I know that sometimes a life can seem really wonderful online. But life isn't always pretty, and that is totally okay. I do believe that life only throws things at you that you can 100% handle and deal with. If it's something that is happening in my life, I can deal with it. It's all about perspective, which is something I've forgotten about for a little while. Whether or not you can look or deal with a situation in a certain way and see the outcome instead of looking at what is happening. A few days ago there was a split moment where I thought I could've lost two very important people in my life. That moment was very quick and my fears were put to rest, but in that short time life got put in perspective. Stress from the little things that were taking too much of my attention didn't really matter in the grand scheme of things. Not being in control of situations is a scary thing, but you can control your mindset and your perspective on situations. You can handle anything that is thrown at you, and you can get through it.

"You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them." - Maya Angelou

I feel strong, clear, and healthy. Most importantly, I feel empowered. I feel like I'm finally at a point where I can embrace everything that is coming instead of worrying about it. I feel selfish in a good way; I can focus on myself, my dreams and my health, because those are the most important things in my life right now. There are so many wonderful things that are happening and I'm ready to embrace them all without worrying if I can do it or not. I've been letting go of so many fears and worries, and now I'm just enjoying the view from where I am. This generation definitely feels the pressure to get everything perfect and completed in a specific way, and I don't feel like that is the case. We all have our own paths, and those paths can take however long or short it takes to get to our destination. If something is going to take you longer than it "should", then let it. There is no one way of doing things. I used to think I was doing things "wrong", but there isn't a certain way to do things. I have faith knowing that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be right now. I have faith knowing that life is okay right now.

I find comfort in so many things; quotes I read, my favourite cozy sweater, Leslie Knope's love for waffles, Chris Martin's angelic voice, perfectly made tea. But the thing that gives me the most comfort is the kindness that other people show towards others. I'm such a people person. I love people and everything about them. I love forming close bonds and relationships with others, and I feel I'm so unbelievably blessed to be surrounded by the people that I have in my life. I can, without a doubt, say that I have the best people in the entire world to call my friends and family. I have the strongest and kindest woman in my life as friends, mentors, and sources of inspiration. They have taught me to focus and rely on myself, and to just be okay with the way life is going right now. Knowing that there are so many people that love and care about me is comfort enough. I don't have enough hands to count the amount of supportive people I have in my life, and I'm so lucky for that.

My heart is so full. Full of love, compassion, and kindness that has been shown to me through the kind words of others. I've been taking all of that compassion and using it to see clearly and get a better perspective on life. I find that when people open up their hearts, that is such a beautiful thing. People taking time to help others, share stories and experiences and feelings. To show vulnerability is something that is so admirable. Being vulnerable shows strength, not weakness. Closing yourself off and not sharing how you feel will and can destroy you. My heart is not only full of the kindness of others, but it's full of self-love too. 

"Anytime you’re gonna grow, you’re gonna lose something. You’re losing what you’re hanging onto to keep safe. You’re losing habits that you’re comfortable with, you’re losing familiarity." - James Hillman

Growing up is pretty weird. But it's even weirder when you can personally tell that you're growing up and around the moment when it started happening. Me at 17, me at 19, me at 21 are all totally different people. College definitely changed me - I can see it in myself and others can see it, too. I didn't realize it, but the past few years have been years full of learning who I am and learning to love every little thing about me. I'm not someone who is uncomfortable and shy anymore. I've become a person that doesn't need a crutch. I can be assertive and fight for what I want, instead of being quiet. I've become more of 'me' the past few years, and I think that reflects on growing older and the complications that come with a change of perspective. I think that's the thing about getting older; things seem to get complicated, but it also gets a lot clearer in a sense. I know what I want and I know that I can get it. I finally feel ready to embrace the future as it comes. I have a fire that I've never had before. It's something that has been burning so strongly for a few months without me even noticing, and now I'm so ready to add more flames.

You cannot use someone else’s fire; you can only use your own. And in order to do that, you must first be willing to believe you have it. - Audre Lorde

When you have a few bad days in a row, you learn to appreciate the good ones. Like this morning when I opened the curtains and sunshine poured through every crevice in the room. After an endless winter, everything feels new and warm and inviting. I feel ready for the world and the world feels ready for me. I'm at this stage of my life where I can embrace everything that comes; good or bad. Choosing to continue on when the future may not look too great and to not quit is an admirable thing. I've been on this path of self-discovery for awhile without even realizing it; I've become a more independent person that knows how to be strong. I feel like I'm building my own little world full of love and learning.

"It is our own mental attitude which makes the world what it is for us. Our thoughts make things beautiful, our thoughts make things ugly. The whole world is in our own minds. Learn to see things in the proper light." - Swami Vivekananda
 
I am done school (for a little while) on Tuesday. I graduate in two months. I've made healthy life choices, like starting to go on walks and runs "just cause".  I have so many incredible things to do, places to see, friends to chat with, and people to get inspired by. There are so many opportunities and exciting things to look forward to. Things may get cloudy sometimes, but it will all be clear skies again soon. There will always be bad days, but choosing to make the best of them is what counts. I read "Love Yourself Loudly" while browsing the internet a few days ago, and that's what I plan on doing. Embracing everything about myself, loving myself loudly, and being happy. Sometimes it feels like happiness is a choice, and right now that is what I'm choosing; to be happy.

"Here’s the truth: you are going to waste a lot of hours focusing on who you are not, or who you want to secretly be. But you won’t ever wake up and actually be that person. You’ve got to embrace what you bring to the table. If you don’t like what that is, have the courage to change it." - Hannah Brencher

Life is so good, and it feels even better to be back.
Love always,
Kelsey
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